My Choices of the Past
by AutumnsMonolouge
Summary: Young Bella has a hurting heart that was torn by two boys she was deeply in love with, she calmly thinks about her choices she has made, she thinks about Jacob, and what will become of him.


**NOTE: This is a little story about Bella and her love thoughs about Edward and Jacob. Her life has changed so much since young Jacob came into the picture. She fought so hard to not love him, but it failed deeply. I put myself in her shoes, and brought her thoughts into mine. I some what act like Bella, but not so much. I do understand how she feels, for I felt what she felt, and I had gone through the same pain she has inside. Now, I bring you a story that has entered me though all of Stephanie Meyer's books. All three stroies of 'Twiligh, New Moon and Eclipse." I feel like this story will take awhile, and I hope it comes out good. I just got over my cold, and I feel great. And I wish everyone a late Merry Christamas. Please Review, and I would be very happy if you did so.**

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**My Choices of the Past**

I layed on my bed in the late afternoon. My beloved Edward would be here soon. If only he was here sooner then perhaps my mind would wonder to him. I was so worried about Jacob. I've thought about him since he's gotten better. But what good was that when he and I were deeply in love with eachtother. This could be another Romeo and Juliet story, but it wouuld have to deal with a vampire and werewolf fighting for a human girl who loves both. It would be a hard choice to make, but in the end the girl would choose her true love: the vampire... in other words her Romeo. And here she would leave behind the werewolf that had become her best friend. Now wouldn't that be a great story for the twenty-first century? I sighed out of sadness. I couldn't help but think even more than I usually do. I couldn't help but think of everthing.

Did I choose right? Was I making the right choice in becoming a vampire to be with my Edward? I knew what I wanted, but did it matter? I could still be with him, but I would end up hurting Jacob. I would end up hurting the my other love. Why did this have to be so confusing? Why couldn't I have a simple rule book in all of this, it would make it all easy for me. But, Edward truly does mean more to me. I love Edward more than him. But, did I even think about Jacob's feelings for me? Did I even take them in? Jacob said he loved me; and he showed his feeling for me by kissing me while haveing me punch him for doing so. He showed me protecting me so many times when I was being stupid. But I look at it now that I did return his feelings..I his feelings by kissing him. It happened three times. But the two that I recived and gave meant so much to me. I realized that I had fallen in love with Jacob Black: a werewolf.

When he was injured, I felt so bad. He had done whatever he could to protect me from Victoria. I gave him a kiss so not to kill himself. And I loved it. When I was with him in his house, I felt so at peace. I felt warm by his pure hot body. When he felt my hair with his hands, it felt good. But when we startet arguing, it hurt me. I felt so sad knowing that my Jacob was in pain because of me. He had fallen in love with me,and I had pushed him away, I suppose I couldn't admit my feelings toward him. Had he told me before I met Edward, maybe things would be totally different. Well, I don't think it would have made a difference knowing that I would have fallenf or Edward and I would yet still be torn in between then both.

I remembered what he told me that day, at his house,"_...At least I made you see that you _do_ love me. That's worth something."_

_"Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?"_

_"Don't you think you ought to know how you feel-just so that it doesn't take you by surprise someday when it's too late and you're a maried vampire?"_

_I shook my head."No-I didn't mean better for me. I meant better for_ you._ Does it make things better or worse for you, having me know that I'm in love wit you? When it doesn't make a difference either way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?_

_He took my question as seriously a I'd meant it, thinking carefully before he answered_._"Yes, it's better to have you know," he finally decided_._"If you hadn't figured it out...I'd have always wondered if your decistion would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did everything I could." He dragged in an unsteady breath, and closed his eyes._

I was so happy when he got after me. I felt so good, even if I started crying. He got points, for all he wanted. He said what I wanted him to say. Jacob,you mean so much to me. But, what kind of pain did you feel. I can't imagine. All I ever knew was that I was in love with you, and I was proud of it. I was sure damn proud of it!

Jacob...

"Jacob, you jerk! I still don't understand all of this. It's so hard to take in. I want to be love you so much, but I love Edward more than you, and it hurts to say it. It hurts so much, but it's true..." I couldnt help but to cry.

He wanted to be best friends, but how could we do that if we had feelings for eachother? It was impossible. I knew it was. And how could it be a long-distance friendship. We could still manage, all we had to do call and wirte letters to each other. Jacob, you don't know the pain I'm feeling! But what about your pain?

_"You know that story in the Bible?" Jacob asked suddenly, still reading the blank ceiling."The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?  
_

_"Sure. King Solomon."_

_"That's right. King Solomon," he repeated."And he said, cut the kid in half...but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it."_

_"Yeah I remember."_

_He looked back at my face. "I'm not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella."_

But at last I understood what it all meant. I understood what he tried to tell me. And I knew for the longest time. You loved me more. You proved it by letting me go, by letting me be with him. You didn't want to tear me inbetween and I love you for that. I can imagine how hard that was. To let go the person you love with all your heart. Jacob, you were my personal sun. I could see what things would be like if this wasn't happining. No monsters. I could probaly be with Jacob. But, where would Edward be? Jacob and I would be happy together, and maybe end up married. But as I saw it before, things might still be different if Edward did show up still.

I was in pain. I was heart broken. I wanted to be with him,but it would never work out. I was in deep in love with my Edward, and no one would change the way I feel about him. To hurt Jacob was the last thing I wanted to do to him. To have him watch in the dark, on the side lines was dreadful. How badly I wanted to reach out to him, how badly I wanted to punch him for doing this to me. He was always their for me and I owed him that much he had done so much. He brought me out of the shadows, the darkness out anything that I was feeling, he took that all away from me.

I looked up at my ceiling and sighed again. I had been crying. I had been crying for a while, and Charlie hadn't yet heard me. Good. I wasn't planning in having him come in and ask what Edward did to me this time, since he hasn't done anything to me. And for some odd reason, I could feel a part of my heart aching. It was hurting, and I didn't know why.

"Jake,I want to stay friends always. I want nothing to come between us. Please don't let that happen. Please don't."

Never shall I blame him for anything that might happen. I want our friendship to last forever, even if he doesn't want it to, I will. I would do anything to make him happy, I just can't fulfill his love dreams for me. But to give him what he wanted from me, it's something I just can't give him. If I hadn't met Edward, I may have been with him. I could have been with him. I would have loved him like I love Edward...but that would never happen. It would never come true...unless I made it so.

I was still scared. I was scared to become a vampire. But I was scared for Jacob, I didn't want him to feel any pain. I didn't want anyone to feel anymore pain. But I think that was already done. And now, it can never be taken back.

At that very moment, something struck me deep. It felt like a sharp knife hit me in my heart. It hurt like hell. It couldn't be explained. I didn't know what it meant. It felt like the pain I had when Edward left me. But Edward was here, he was with me. It couldn't be Jacob, since he was still here...with me. What was it? Was someone dying? This was so hard to understand. The only person that kept popping in my mind was Jacob, but I couldn't get why. I felt torn and helpless. He wouldn't do anything stupid without me knowing. He would come tell me if something was wrong. I knew I was connected with him.

"Jake, be safe. Please be safe. Don't do anything stupid. Don't end up like me. I don't want you to go though with my safe life of love..." I prayed on my pillow, hoping and wishing this wasn't going to happen to him.

Now I felt empty in a part of my heart. I wasn't complety full. A part of me had left. And I didn't feel the pain at all anymore. Something happened. I didn't know what just occured at that moment. I couldn't think straight. I had to fight with my feelings to call jacob, but I felt that he didn't want to be bothered at the time. I had to leave him alone for a while, that's all. It pained me to make such a choice as that. But deep inside, I knew something was wrong, but I couldnt' come to such terms to call Jacob and have him laugh at me for worrying. That's what made me happy; was when he laughed at me for sayting something stupid, or how he hugged me to calm me down before I could worry about him. I wanted to see him, I wanted to see his smile and feel his warm embrace around me. I wanted to know that he was safe at home or with the pack. How I wanted so badly to know that he was Okay right now!

I pinched my eyes shut to keep from crying more than what I was doing already. Damn it Jake...

My life was drasticly changing, and I couldn't stop it at all. I would become a vampire, be married to Edward, and maybe leave my home in Forks. What would happen in the future, I had made past mistakes, and I couldn't fix them. I couldn't make everything alright. I wasn't able to fix them properly. Half of all this was messed up, and I was the blame for it all. I had to let them all go somehow, no one blamed me for any of this, but I knew it was just to make me feel better about myself.

Everything was set, and I had to accept it all. Jacob was just a friend, and Edward was my soon to be husband. Even if I couldn't be happy with all that I had, I had to make it look it. I cluched my chest and sighed. The pain left, but in my heart, a small hole was made, I could feel it. I had no answere to it. I looked out my window and noticed that the sun was about to set. Edward would be coming soon. I had to make sure I wasn't crying when he got here. I had to leave my thoughts behind for tonight. I would get what I wanted soon. I just had to wait, not matter how much I hated to.

_Jake, please wait. Just please wait for me..._I prayed once more.

I set my head perfectly on my pillow and waited. I waited for it to all leave me. But I still had to think just a bit more. I wasn't ready to let go of my past. My mind was going crazy. It was hurting me. But I closed my eyes. I had to let them go. Even if they hurt...just for now. Just untill he shows up. I had to hold on to them for that long. He would wake me up, and it will all be put aside. Just stay long enough to make them go away.

_Jake, please wait..._

**Ha! I'm finally done! I'm so proud of myself again. It took me at least three days to do this. It took alot of thinking and feelings for this story. But I managed to do it all. If it isn't that good, go ahead and flame me. I don't mind. I might make another story about Edward. Please let me know if I should. I need plenty of reviews in order to do this. It's not my best work, but it's OK. I have another story about Jacob when he leaves, please look at that one. Talk to you all later.**


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